As we mark Mother’s Day around the world this Sunday, mother-of-four CORAL VASS says mothers need to be encouraged in their job, not criticised…
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. I never really had preconceived ideas about motherhood, but assumed as many had gone before me and survived it, it couldn’t be that hard. Fortunately for me, falling pregnant was relatively easy, but being a mother was a different story. Like most women, becoming a mother was life-changing for me, but all under the scrutinising eyes of those around me.
A MOTHER’S LOVE: Coral Vass says mother’s need to realise that mother’s all need help, encouragement and, most of all, love in raising their children. PICTURE: Scott Liddell (www.sxc)
“After observing me as a mother, my wise old dad concluded that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Being a mother is teaching your child to be a loving, respectful and kind adult. It is raising your child to reach their potential in life. It’s physically and emotionally draining. It’s plain hard work.”
I learned very early on in my mothering, that parental critique has become an art form. Everyone believes they are the expert and no mother is safe from critical eyes or hurtful judgments. I remember, when my first son was just born, being told my milk was “off”, because he was crying. I never realised, as a mother, I would be judged on my ability or inability to settle my newborn.
I remembered going to “mothers’ group” and listening to the other mothers talk about their child’s stages of development. Little Johnny was now walking but pity the mother whose child had not yet crawled. These women were made to feel like this was in some way their fault; they had not done something right. I, too, have been guilty of judging the mothers whose children throw a tantrum in the shopping centre, only to be given a chocolate to pacify them. Or the mothers who won’t reprimand their child after he has hit another.
You would think we mothers would be the first to smile with understanding but sadly even we judge each other, at the same time avoiding eye contact so we’re not open to criticism ourselves. We are all so quick to judge yet nobody likes to be judged themselves.
After observing me as a mother, my wise old dad concluded that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Being a mother is teaching your child to be a loving, respectful and kind adult. It is raising your child to reach their potential in life. It’s physically and emotionally draining. It’s plain hard work. But over the years, I have come to realise that sometimes it’s just normal child behaviour when my three-year-old throws a tantrum, rather than a reflection on my inability to discipline. I have come to realise that children have opinions, personalities and ideas and should not be manipulated, moulded or controlled. I have come to realise that I too will make mistakes in my parenting and I pray that my children would not be permanently scarred as a result.
As mothers, we are all just trying to do the best we can, with God’s help. Another wise man once said, “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticise their faults – unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbour’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole travelling roadshow mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbour.” (Matthew 7:1-5, The Message Bible)
So on this long and winding journey we’re on together, lets stop our pretense of perfection; the facade that we have it all together and lets take up humble arms ready to love those around us. We all need help. We all need encouragement. But above all, we need love. Jesus also said, “And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.” (Colossians 3:14, The Message Bible).
Coral Vass and her husband Tim are the parents of three sons and a daughter.
