NILS von KALM reflects on the importance of finding strength in vulnerability and the need for men, in particular, to open up more to others about their struggles…
In 2010, researcher and speaker, Brene Brown, gave a TED talk on vulnerability which quickly went viral. It has now been viewed more than 33 million times.
Why did Brown’s talk have such an explosive impact? The simple answer is that she touched something deep inside people that spoke to what they were feeling but somehow couldn’t express, something we all intuitively knew. We want connection, indeed we are hard-wired for it.
SHARING YOUR STRUGGLES?: Nils von Kalm said men in particular have a fear of appearing weak if they open up about their vulnerabilities. PICTURE: Cole Hutson/Unsplash
“As a male in our culture, I am all too aware of the need for us men to talk about our vulnerability and feel safe doing it. Too many men my age are depressed and killing themselves. We have been sold the lie that men don’t cry and that freedom is being out on the open road away from your responsibilities to the world.”
As a male in our culture, I am all too aware of the need for us men to talk about our vulnerability and feel safe doing it. Too many men my age are depressed and killing themselves. We have been sold the lie that men don’t cry and that freedom is being out on the open road away from your responsibilities to the world.
For quite a few years now, I have been fortunate enough to be part of a group of men who gather regularly to sit around and share openly, vulnerably and honestly about where we’re at in life. We can say that we’ve had a wonderful month or a terrible month and no one bats an eyelid. No one is shocked or offended at what someone might say. You are just heard and listened to. You are accepted for being your real self. The benefits of this to your sense of belonging are invaluable. That is the strength of vulnerability.
After being in the group for about a year, there was one night where I felt I could be more open with the group than I had previously been. I was encouraged by another member of the group sharing first about where he was at. His honesty helped me to go next without hesitation and just start sharing about my own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. I can still picture that night when I think about it. The impact on me was huge.
Some men are surprised that groups like this exist. Most of the men that share this surprise are Christian men. I find that sad. It makes me realise that most men in church on a Sunday just don’t know that level of honesty. And we are crying out for it. Thousands of Christian men fear being vulnerable because it might show that they “aren’t right with God” and will be shown to be weak and won’t be respected. That is the greatest fear of most men in our culture.
Why are so many of us Christian men so unlike the ultimate man, Jesus? In the Bible we claim to know and love, we read of a Jesus who was accepting and embracing of people who were honest about their struggles. On top of that, the Psalms are full of honest grappling, rage and despair.
Who are we if we cannot talk honestly about our struggles, about our contradictions, our failures? We talk in church about the hope we have in Jesus, but hope is not hope unless it comes out of the struggles of life. I reckon if Dietrich Bonhoeffer were alive today, he would refer to the hope that most of our churches preach about as cheap hope, just like he talked about cheap grace in his day.
Genuine hope starts with the acknowledgment of struggle, of despair, of dreams that have been shattered, of suffering. But we live in a cynical age and such acknowledgment doesn’t come easy. When we see our political leaders spin and manipulate their stories every night on the news, we can become cynical ourselves. We are so sick and tired of our politicians saying one thing and doing the other.
No wonder we are so cynical when our national leaders lie to us so shamelessly. People who are lied to eventually lose hope. When you are young you tend to be idealistic because you haven’t been burnt by the constant lies of the world. Then, somewhere in our 40s (or earlier, depending on our temperament and life experience) we often tend to lose our idealism and turn to a quiet cynicism about life.
It is a tragedy that we become like this. What do you have left to hold onto when you don’t know who to believe in anymore? We can turn inward, until we realise that the problem is just as bad or worse when we take a look inside ourselves.
This is where and why I stick to hope in a greater Being who really is trustworthy. Humanity needs something or someone outside of itself to hold on to. I still believe that that something or Someone is actually real. That’s where I draw my hope from. That’s the well I drink from, the well of trustworthiness and integrity. I believe such traits still exist in a world which has lost hope and long ago became jaded and cynical.
“I believe in a God who looks favourably on you when you are honest, when you cry out in frustration that it is just not fair, when you shake your fist in God’s face. God can handle our honesty. After all, Jesus was honest. In the garden, He said He was troubled to the point of death.”
I believe in a God who looks favourably on you when you are honest, when you cry out in frustration that it is just not fair, when you shake your fist in God’s face. God can handle our honesty. After all, Jesus was honest. In the garden, He said He was troubled to the point of death. As I heard said once, what do you do with a God who is distressed?!
When we expose ourselves in vulnerable trust to others with whom we can feel safe, it is then that we can find the hope we crave. When we find hope even in our darkest moments, then we know what hope really is.
The Bible paints a picture of a God who cries, who feels pain, and feels it intensely. And within that pain is a God of hope. But hope is not real when it is not borne out of the most intense struggle. That’s why Jesus said we need to die to live, and why, unless a mustard seed falls into the ground and dies, it cannot bring life. There is no resurrection without death. But there is resurrection, and that is the very real hope we have in a world that easily makes us cynical and weary.
I love the raw, brutal honesty I hear from my brothers in my men’s group, most of whom are Christian but have been burnt by other Christians. The honesty is so refreshing. It is not bitter; it is just real.
The Christian message is that there is hope in a cynical world. Jesus is the great model for us. That’s why He is the saviour of the world. He knows what suffering and struggle is. He was honest and vulnerable and is the model for us to be the same. That sort of vulnerability can be our greatest strength.
