JO KADLECEK looks at how two new books explore an age-old question…
In 2017, US Vice President Mike Pence reminded the world of what’s become known as “The Billy Graham Rule” when he told reporters he would not eat alone with a woman other than his wife, nor attend gatherings where alcohol was served unless she was with him.
Pence’s proclamation re-ignited media fuss over what seemed an outdated problem to those outside (and some within) the church. After all, Graham first made the commitment in the late 1940s when he was a young traveling evangelist and many evangelical (American) Christian men have heeded The Rule ever since, wanting, they claim, to avoid personal temptation and any suspicion of impropriety.
The two books – Gina Dalfanzo’s ‘Dorothy and Jack: The Transforming Friendship of Dorothy L Sayers and CS Lewis’ and Bronwyn Lea’s ‘Beyond Awkward Side Hugs: Living as Christian Brothers and Sisters in a Sex-Crazed World’.
Good thing no one ever told British writers Dorothy L Sayers and CS Lewis who were friends at the same time Graham’s infamous manifesto was born. If they had, the literary world might well have missed out on some fascinating insights about the two Christian writers who were friends for more than a decade. Not that Lewis would have obeyed it had he known of Graham’s rule; a quick review of the apologist’s works suggests he was not so easily enchanted with legalistic ideologies.
Of course, the question of whether men and women could ‘safely’ participate in mutually beneficial, non-sexualised relationships predates Graham, Lewis and Sayers. Indeed, it has been a ‘thorn in the flesh’ of Christian communities for centuries. But with two new books out this year, men and women across denominations need not worry. The books – Gina Dalfanzo’s Dorothy and Jack: The Transforming Friendship of Dorothy L Sayers and CS Lewis and Bronwyn Lea’s Beyond Awkward Side Hugs: Living as Christian Brothers and Sisters in a Sex-Crazed World – provide ample insights and tools for navigating the tricky waters of male/female friendships while also providing rich glimpses into the lives of role models such as Sayers and Lewis.
“[T]he question of whether men and women could ‘safely’ participate in mutually beneficial, non-sexualised relationships predates Graham, Lewis and Sayers. Indeed, it has been a ‘thorn in the flesh’ of Christian communities for centuries. But…two new books out this year…provide ample insights and tools for navigating the tricky waters of male/female friendships while also providing rich glimpses into the lives of role models such as Sayers and Lewis.”
First, fans of the fiction and nonfiction that Dorothy L Sayers (Lord Peter Wimsey mysteries, Unpopular Opinions, etc) and CS Lewis (Chronicles of Narnia, Mere Christianity, etc) produced will marvel at the ride author Gina Dalfanzo got to experience as she scoured dozens of letters between the two friends. Dalfzano draws from the letters to piece together a chronology of the little-known friendship while also adding new discoveries to their much-loved works.
Born out of a fan letter Sayers wrote to Lewis as his star was beginning to rise, the friendship between the married woman and long-time bachelor grew over years of correspondence as did their mutual admiration of each other’s writing, thinking, and Christian faith. If it was Sayers’ enthusiasm for Lewis’ writing that sparked their friendship, it was their mutual love for GK Chesterton’s “rumbustious nature” reflected in his work, as well as their care in clever and honest letter writing that sealed the friendship deal.
Though both became go-to consultants for the broader public on religious publishing, neither admitted to being quite prepared for the role. Their encouragement, therefore, to one another over lunch (dining together!) in Oxford as well as their regular letters became a much needed salve for the writers. With so much in common – Chesterton, literature, Anglicanism, the effects of war, Christian ‘celebrity’ status, and so on – the friends came to rely on each other for feedback, accountability and perspective.
And they went deep. Lewis said yes to too many requests he was not always qualified to comment on, Sayers challenged. Not a fan of detective fiction, Lewis suggested that Sayers should write on public apologetics. They listened to one another and connected on a literary and intellectual level in a way that gender had little to do with; in fact, no other kind of friendship appealed to either of them more than that built on the life of the mind, springing from their Christian faith. (Besides, neither admittedly navigated romance well.)
Certainly their own perspectives were shaped in part by their gender, but the friendship itself revealed their eagerness for connections that transcended male and female expectations in an era and culture (Oxford!) that saw little of it. Sayers, in fact, was one of the first women to graduate from the university where Lewis taught for years. And when Lewis married Joy Davidman, becoming a stepfather to her sons, he wrote of the news to Sayers and she responded with delight. When Sayers died of a heart attack at age 64, Douglas Gresham, Davidman’s son, recalls it was the first time he remembered seeing Lewis cry. Lewis’s own health prevented him from attending her funeral but he sent a eulogy that reflected their life-giving friendship.
Dalfanzo’s care and detail give readers a sense of the two as people, woman and man, yes, but firm in the faith they relied on that formed their friendship, making readers want to explore their prolific works anew. In fact, in Dorothy and Jack we see the type of sibling friendship that Bronwyn Lea, in her book Beyond (Awkward) Side Hugs, suggests is found in two of the four words Lewis himself wrote about in his book, The Four Loves. Sayers and Lewis shared storge love (brotherly affection) as well as phileo (companionable love shared by mutual loves), which Lea expands on with helpful distinctions.
Lea, a trained lawyer and seminarian, brings together both skills to offer reasoned, Biblical arguments for why contemporary Christians shouldn’t avoid relationships with the opposite sex and how they can actually enhance not only their lives but God’s Kingdom. With examples from her own life, marriage and ministry, Lea outlines a vision toward maturity and respect if today’s men and women are to transcend the sex-crazed temptations of the modern world.
For instance, even though today’s constant technology devices might become a slippery slope, Lea suggests they don’t have to be instruments of sin. If Christian men and women focus on the right things – instead of being sucked into cultural deceptions – and start with the Biblical framework of being made in God’s image, the blessings of friendship are theirs for the growing.
“[B]oth books show how to navigate gender as thinking, wise Christians. They provide a particularly intimate snapshot in Dorothy and Jack and multiple examples in Beyond (Awkward) Side Hugs of female/male friendships that don’t cross the line but rather bring fulfilling and necessary elements for mutual growth.”
Still, because “[o]ur hearts bend toward loopholes, and each cultural shift places new pressure points on our souls,” Lea calls on Christians to cultivate virtue and character as we maintain healthy relationships. Hers is not a how-to book but rather, as my husband said when he read it, “her solution is for us to get a brain.”
And she provides plenty of food for thought to chew on. From her astute perceptions of contemporary challenges to her many pastoral insights, she invites reads to reimagine the call as siblings in the family of God. Lea’s book asks the right questions about faith, taking readers beyond the pressure of culture or rules, and into the powerful practice of true Christian hospitality that an unbelieving world is desperate for.
In other words, both books show how to navigate gender as thinking, wise Christians. They provide a particularly intimate snapshot in Dorothy and Jack and multiple examples in Beyond (Awkward) Side Hugs of female/male friendships that don’t cross the line but rather bring fulfilling and necessary elements for mutual growth. Both books conclude we can – and should – be friends with the opposite sex, bound by mutual interests and Godly sibling love. Read together, the male/female question becomes less a battlefield to avoid and more a reason to sit down and share a meal.
