14th January, 2012

Rev Dr GORDON MOYES

Our church has been conducting Good News Week. It runs every day with a wonderful children’s program. Meanwhile in the adult tent, a doctor, a psychologist, a minister and others speak to the hundreds of parents present on issues facing young couples. On my estimate of mothers and fathers attending (including the special men’s evening program) at least 300 couples have been learning in the most practical way how to improve their personal, family and spiritual lives.

Brett and Kathy are a Sydney couple well known to me. I remember their wedding some years ago. We were all saddened when after three years their marriage ended. They had stopped talking to each other. They spoke at each other. Many had prayed for them and wanted to help.

RESTORING WHAT HAS BEEN BROKEN? Gordon Moyes says divorce and the fracturing of families is of "deep concern". PICTURE: Alex Bruda (www.sxc.hu) "The family is God's method for continuing the generations and of passing down values and beliefs to a new generation. By God's grace, even fractured families can be re-built. It takes a right spirit, and having spiritual foundations in place for a better future."

But they did not become one of the 39 per cent who end in divorce. They went to marriage counselling, learnt to listen to each other. As their listening skills improved so did their marriage.

Then on the Nine Network’s A Current Affair they appeared speaking on how their marriage was saved. Brett said: "After 10 years of marriage, I am more in love with Kath than ever." Kathy said "I am more in love with Brett than ever." They committed to beginning again.

The Australian family is under enormous stress. The Federal Government report To Have and To Hold estimated the cost of families divorcing today is over $3 billion a year in sole-parent benefits, child-care and associated costs.

The fracturing of the family is still a deep concern for all. The fragile nature of so many families means that Christian people and those concerned for the family, must work to rebuild the fractured family. The family is God's method for continuing the generations and of passing down values and beliefs to a new generation. By God's grace, even fractured families can be re-built. It takes a right spirit, and having spiritual foundations in place for a better future.

How can we rebuild the fractured family?

1.Accept responsibility for your failure
By accepting responsibility for failure, we open ourselves to a second chance. Thirty-nine per cent of marriages fail and the partners and children separate. What is amazing is how many of them have been married and divorced previously. In 1996, 52,466 divorces were granted but 22,560 of them involved people who had been divorced previously. Among people who have been married only once, the divorce rate is lower today than in the 1970's and has actually continued to fall over the past decade.

This decline has been from 125 per 1000 marriages to 115 per 1000 marriages. The divorce rate is significantly increased by the number of people who are being divorced for the second or more times.

There are some chronically dysfunctional people whose repeated marriage breakdowns influence the statistics. It is the story of people who refuse to accept responsibility for failure, and who take that same attitude into the second and third marriage. One out of every three marriages involves remarriage for one or both parties, and the chances of that remarriage working is depressingly slim. The cycle of marriage breakdown will only be broken when both partners recognise their own contribution to the failure of their first marriage.

2. Believe in possibilities
It is easier to win territory in war than to govern the territory in peace. It is easier to buy a car than to keep the car in good running condition. It is easier to get married than to keep the marriage healthy after the wedding. In every area of life, it is easier to obtain than to maintain.

If you know that, and believe in possibilities you will be prepared to rebuild the fragile family. Only 17 per cent prepare for marriage by attending pre-marital classes. Fewer still attend classes designed to improve their marriage after they have been married.

Marriage is the most sophisticated form of human relationship and it requires work to achieve the possibilities. Since the introduction of no-fault divorce in the Family Law Act 1975, Australians have thought of the possibility of no-fault divorce instead of the possibility of a successful marriage. To think positively of marriage requires more than easier divorce. This is now in law of Louisiana, USA., in what is called Covenant Marriages. A number of marriage counsellors have suggested we have this alternative marriage.

Covenant Marriages were introduced by Louisiana in 1997 as a means of strengthening marriage and family life. It is entirely voluntary. It acknowledges marriage as a life-long commitment. For those who chose, this marriage law requires couples to undertake pre-marital counselling. They then agree to have counselling prior to any divorce. The couple agree to give up their right to no-fault divorce, and agree to a two year wait before divorce can be granted to allow for counselling. On the other hand, if there is fault: abuse, abandonment, adultery, the other partner can be granted immediate divorce which is not given even in a non-fault divorce. This gives abused women more protection with immediate financial support during separation. Abandoned children gain immediate financial support. For the couple, the emphasis is upon helping them make the marriage work. When the law recognises that marriage is a life-long commitment, it encourages partners to work at it.

In Australia many divorced people regret the action. One survey quotes 37 per cent of people regret their divorce five years later, and 40 per cent believe that it could have been avoided with some counselling. Covenant Marriage provides the space for this to occur. One other thing. Twenty per cent of people going to pre-marital counselling, decide not to marry each other. That is not a bad decision for them. If they could not foresee a good marriage, they at least avoided a bad one. Covenant Marriage forces careful preparation for marriage and proper counselling within marriage during difficulties. It avoids the knee-jerk reactive divorce which is later regretted and says to all that this couple choose to think marriage, not divorce, and to rebuild their fractured family.

3. Commit yourself to beginning again
Many people refuse to give their fractured family a second go. If the daughter walks out of the house many say: "Don't come back here again". If a wife leaves a husband, many say "That's it. She made her choice so she will have to live with it". They say these things because they do not want the responsibility of a second failure. But the essence of Christianity is beginning again. That is the way of forgiveness and faith: forgiveness for what has happened in the past and faith for a new beginning.

4. Decide to tackle your problems
Every family can go through times of great stress and conflict. We are human beings each with human failings. But marital conflict need not be terminal. There may be times of conflict, misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and where each other's needs are overlooked or ignored.

That does not mean the couple are incompatible and the family must necessarily fracture. But the partners must decide to tackle their problems. Every problem in family life can be overcome. But usually, you will need to enlist professional help.

5. Enlist professional help
Our philosophy is that mostly the interests of the child and society are best served by keeping families intact and by rebuilding fractured families. Some children will need to be placed in care. But, with temporary professional support services, people solve problems every day. We expect people to change.

The community is best served by developing the independence, strength and self-reliance of families. We help families apply their existing resources, develop new resources, and solve their problems. This raises family self-esteem as the family members realise they can do some things well. This produces hope and lasting change.

Christians believe God's design for family relationships. Society believes in self-fulfilment, maintaining relationships only so long as they are personally rewarding. Christians believe the ideal of lifelong commitment. Against the popular ideal of sexual liberation Christians believe sexual fidelity within a permanent union.

Christians believe parenting skills can be learnt in seminars and in one on one training. Christians believe in the Biblical model of community to encourage people to support fractured families.

When a family needs reinforcing, counsellors may meet with all the family, identifying patterns of interaction and assisting family members to develop positive ways of relating to one another. Churches want to show that single people, never married people, and people not now in a family also belong to the family of the church and have an important part to play in helping rebuild fractured families.

When Jesus healed the man at Gadara, the man was appreciative and wanted to follow Jesus. But "as Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. Jesus did not let him, but said, 'Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.' So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed." (Mark 5: 18-20)

The aim of Christian ministry with families is seen in this passage: an individual is healed, calmed and brought to his or her senses. Then he or she is restored to the family. The fractured family is encouraged to see how much the Lord has done and how God has had mercy upon them. As a result the members of the family and the community will join in praise to God.

We rebuild the fractured family best when we help each individual come to his or her senses and be restored into a family, and the family be helped to glorify God. The fractured family is healed when you come into line with God's plan for your life.

Rev Dr Gordon Moyes AC is a Member of the Legislative Council in New South Wales, evangelist, broadcaster and former Superintendent of the Wesley Mission.

~ www.gordonmoyes.com

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