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ANN WOJCZUK records her thoughts as she reads Dallas Willard's book, Renovation of the Heart...

2nd January, 2005

I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm so disconnected from the reality of what's happening to you
and I want to be with you searching and comforting and clearing a path
but I'm so thankful I'm here. Do you hear me Lord, I'm so thankful...but I feel guilty and sort of angry
that it should be so different for me. But I'm so thankful Lord
yet it sickens me that I can sit in my sheltered place and millions of my family
are faced with the enormity of this devastation while I try to be useful in some way.
And I know in my spirit this is not the end, there is more to come
and I love you and I grieve for you and I pray for you
and I don't know what to say and does it matter what I say
and Jesus what is this all about and what do you want of us now?
And I sit here and type out these words and wonder if they really make
any difference at all or is it just some kind of self-indulgent 'processing'.
So I knit my heart to yours whether you know it or not and pray with a
shaky yearning for a world beyond this agony and the deepest strength and
peace for those of you who face the nightmares that those waves have birthed.

May your kingdom come Father, and your will be done and give us all
what we need now and tomorrow and the days to follow. Help us to love
up close and from our far places, for we are one people who need you.

1st January, 2005

And I quote:

"Our Father in heaven,
May your amazing, holy name
be called 'the Best',
May your Kingdom come
and all your plans be done
on the earth like they are
in the Heavens.
Give us everything
we need today Lord,
and....
forgive us for the wrong things
we do and think and say
as we forgive and let go
the wrong things
that are done and thought
and said towards us.
Keep us safe from ourselves
and the Devil
for you are in charge,
you can do anything
and you are the awesome beautiful One
Always and forever. Yes, yes, yes!"

Wojczuk family translation of the Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13)

I don't know what to do with what has happened in our world family this week, so I pray this prayer with all the intensity in my being and I pray it for us all and the tears slide down my cheeks and the sorrow presses in on my chest and I groan. And I ask Holy Spirit to take the sounds I make on the inside and mingle them with the millions more that rise out of people's horror and grief and form something real and deep and comforting out of them, something that will bring us together across nations and people groups for those who need our prayers and resources and focussed care. May your 2005 be filled with the sense of Christ in your midst.

4th December, 2004

I've written a lot lately, so I think I'll shut up and give you a quote to think about. And I quote (from Chapter 3: the heart in the system of human life):

The soul. The soul is that dimension of the person which integrates all of the other dimensions so that they form one life. The biblical view and understanding is that the soul is a term that refers to the whole person in its most profound aspect.

Because the soul encompasses and integrates the whole person it is frequently taken to be the person. We used to refer to people as 'souls', as in 'a parish of two thousand souls'. But of course the soul is not the person. It is, rather, the deepest part of the self in terms of overall operations; and, like the body, it has the capacity to operate without conscious supervision.

The soul is rather like a computer that quietly runs a business or manufacturing operation and only comes to our attention when it malfunctions or requires some adaptation to new tasks. it can be significantly reprogrammed, and this too is a major part of what goes into the spiritual formation of the person...

But for all the soul's independence, the executive centre of the person - that is, the heart or will - can redirect and reform it with God's help. It mainly does this by redirecting the body in spiritual disciplines and toward various other types of experiences under God. The soul can be sustained intact and function as it is supposed to only in the keeping of God. For every living soul belongs to me, says the Lord (Ezekial 18:4).

Well, I might just say a couple of things.

For those of you who are wondering, spiritual disciplines are things like prayer, reading and meditation on scripture and God stuff, worship, fasting, giving, serving, celebration of life in God and so on, practised both deliberately - to grow in the knowledge, worship and service of the Lord - and spontaneously - in the living of the life of the Spirit.

Also, when I'm reading this stuff, I'm thinking about passing from this life into eternity and I have a picture of a spaceship launching. There are a couple of parts of the equipment which are there to fire up and launch the ship which are not necessary once it's passed out of our atmosphere. So at a certain stage, once they've served their purpose, they fall away and the spaceship continues on to its final destination. I guess the equivalent aspect of our lives would be our physical bodies and the social network we have on the earth which will no longer be needed once we pass into eternity.

I have no doubt that we will have wonderful friendships with others in eternity, some very familiar and others not so, but the combinations may be a little different to what they are down here! So we'll be left with the thinking, feeling, choosing, organising part - our essential being - about to be perfected in the love of the presence of Christ, passing through the physical veil into another love filled, light-saturated glory, filled with wonder and the absolute of every God-breathed good and beautiful thought and feeling and choice. Mmm.

1st December, 2004

And I quote (from Chapter 3: The heart in the system of human life):

Will. We could also call the will the spirit or the heart. They are broadly part of the same aspect of the person. Volition or choice is the exercise of the will, the capacity of the person to originate things and events, to do things that would otherwise not be done. Freedom and creativity are really two aspects of the same thing, which is the power to do what is good or evil: that is, they are expressions of the human will. The power in question belongs to individuals alone...

Our actions are the result of our inner consent to the conditions, as we respond to various situations. This response is our unique contribution to reality. It is ours, it is us, as nothing else is.
Without the inner consent there is no sin, for only that 'yes' is just us. The thought of sin is not sin, and is not even temptation. Temptation is the thought plus the inclination to sin, possible manifested by lingering over the thought or seeking it out, whether or not we do what we imagine. Sin itself is when we inwardly consent to the temptation.

Soooo...what do you think about that little nugget? Some thoughts. We get back to the 'chooser' which is what I'm going to call the bit (heart) Dallas is talking about. We choose to do what is good or evil, we also choose to linger on what is good or evil.

Deuteronomy is coming to mind, chapter 30:15-20 - "See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity; in that I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to keep His commandments and His statutes and His judgements, that you may live and multiply, and that the Lord your God may bless you in the land where you are entering to possess it. But if your heart turns away and you will not obey, but are drawn away and worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today that you shall surely perish. You shall not prolong your days in the land where you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess it. I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days, that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them."

There's so much in that passage of scripture but for this purpose, have a look at the ways the Lord outlines His recipe for life and His heart to see us blessed, and the series of choices we make if we choose to follow that recipe or not. By the way notice all the 'you's'. He loves us and has given us Jesus as our way to Him but always it comes down to our 'chooser'. We either 'will' or we 'won't' (will or choose not to). We've all heard stories of people who have overcome huge trials in their upbringing or circumstances to be a positive contribution in their world. Many of them have recognised the difference between 'cannot' and 'will not' and have overwritten their 'cannots' with ' I wills'. We all know of individuals who have chosen a path of a more self destructive or destructive nature. Either way, some become our heroes and some cause us to shudder. Many or us seesaw somewhere between the two, often ignorant of the fundamental call and freedom to choose how we respond to our thoughts and what happens around us, ignorant or perhaps entertaining the deceptive 'I can'ts' at great cost to the maturing of our soul life and often being slaves to our feelings when in fact they are not entitled to dominate our souls!

This may sound a bit strange, but the choosing process reminds me of making brewed coffee. Coffee may be a taste thought, a smell thought, an energy thought, a social thought or even an addiction thought. I can ignore it and another thought or 50(!) will take its place, I can decide it's not a helpful thought and deliberately reject it, I can indulge the thought and remember and linger over the thought of
coffee, or I can begin the process of making myself a cup. If I begin to make it, it doesn't mean I will inevitably drink a cup of coffee - I can step out of the process at any point or I can choose to take the thought and act on it and complete the process.

James is coming to mind, a very insightful glimpse into the heart, will or spirit and the questions of thought, temptation and action. Look in James chapter 1: 13-16 - "Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am being tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone (There goes that avenue of blame!). But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren."

See, it's a creative process. Ownership for a bad decision lies squarely with us. Ownership for a good one is also ours, and if we are in the groove with the Lord, shared with and empowered by Him.

We have an incredibly creative Father, who has an incredibly creative Son, and they're constantly pouring out their loving, creative power through the Holy Spirit into our spheres, to overcome the uglies that form endlessly in front of us. This is the clash of the kingdoms and our choices align us with either good or evil, light or darkness, beautiful or ugly. As choice falls upon choice our characters are shaped to ultimately reflect the form of the rulers of these kingdoms. Please, choose Jesus Christ, every day in every way. For the term of your natural life, it is never too late to turn around and choose. He'll fill you up with His abundant ability to create miracles one by one, in your thinker and your feeler and your chooser and your doer and your socialiser and your organiser. Selah.

23rd November, 2004

And I quote (from Chapter 3: The heart in the system of human life):
Now when we take a closer look at the whole person, we find that there are six basic aspects in our lives as individual human beings, six things inseparable from human life. These together make up human nature.
1. Thought (image, concepts, judgements, inference).
2. Feeling (sensation, emotion).
3. Choice (will, decision, character).
4. The body (action, interaction with the physical world).
5. A social context (personal relations to others).
6. Our soul (the factor that integrates all of the above).

Simply put, everyone thinks (has a thought life), feels, chooses, has a body, a social context, and integrates all of them to a greater or lesser degree. There might be other ways of describing these things, but they are essential factors in a human being, and nothing essential to human life falls outside them. The ideal of the spiritual life in Christian understanding is where all of the essential parts of the human self are effectively organized around God, as they are restored and sustained by him. Spiritual formation in Christ is the process leading to the ideal. The human self is then fully integrated under God...

The basic structure of reality is that things have parts, these parts have properties, which in turn make possible relationships between parts to form more complex things, which in turn have properties that make possible relationships between them, and so on. This applies to everything from an atom to the solar system, from a thought or a feeling to a whole person to a society. In this style of description, a human being is a complex system, consisting of parts with properties and functions. These make possible the relationships which persons have to the world and society and beyond all these, if they are fully alive, as spiritual beings to the kingdom of God...

A person who is prepared and capable of responding to the situations of life in ways that are good and right is a person whose soul is in order, under the direction of a well-kept heart, under the direction of God.

This next section of the book is quite complex in some ways but if you 'choose' to have the time and think it through carefully, it may make a lot of sense. There are so many things that I thought about as I read this explanation of human life. I'll share a couple of them with you.

Firstly, number three - choice. I can really see the progression of maturing that Dallas hints at here. The choices I make in the way I respond to circumstances and people, the decisions I come to about what I 'will' do in each case will eventually make a road map by which I automatically or subconciously travel each time a similar thing happens, kind of like a memory program. I see that if I were to do something that didn't fit with that subconcious pattern, I would have to deliberately step outside of my 'normal' way and contend with my will to change that automatic attitude or action. My character is created by progressively laying down these response choices and if I consistently make healthy choices or unhealthy choices, my character will form its habit patterns accordingly and develop a lifestyle map from them. The closest analogy I can come to is in the programming of a computer. We lay down a series of basic instructions and information pathways, that will operate automatically after they have been set in place - the default program. If we want to operate differently to those basic ways, we have to overwrite them deliberately and set up new core instructions, which will then become the new default. Character development. 'Training 'the 'chooser' to choose healthy life creates a healthy character. 'Allowing' the 'chooser' to choose unhealthy life will create an unhealthy character. Obviously parental and social influences are going to be huge in that one, but not necessarily ultimately defining, thank God! I can also see a great hope for those of us who come to the Lord in a mess, later in life. His parental influence, His unconditional love, His training and refining through the Holy Spirit, the Word etc. I can see that He can rewrite our programme and over time renew our character. Now that's good news!

Secondly - body. How amazing it is that God slips us into this biological shape with all its wonderful complexities and uniquenesses, the water of our essence poured into the vase of our physical life. Without it we have no expression in this world, yet we are so much more than the sum of its cells. It is the finite limiter of a limitless infinite life. Our tent, containing us new and fresh when we are born, growing and changing to contain the increasing expression of our lives as we mature, and fading as God moves us closer to the eternal life He wants us to discover while we're visiting this world. Thank you Lord for my body, for your grace in giving me one. Help me look after it with more respect than I do!

Thirdly - soul. It seems weird to have this at the bottom of the list but I can see that what Dallas says is true. All of the aspects of what make me, me, are organised by this. I know, as he himself says, there are other ways of explaining all this, but this fits well with what I sense happens for me. I am made a whole person by all of these aspects of my life dancing together and I can see that if God who created me and everything and everyone around me, were at the centre of that dance, I would be so happy and at peace. We're working on that one! I also like the fact that inside my soul life are the other people I share my world with, they are not outside of me, they are all helping me to be who I am and vice versa. That makes sweet sense too. There is no doubt that we are all woven together and that to the most infinite degree, whether afar off through how we treat the world we share, or close up through the way we share our lives with each other and the life or death that flows out of us into each other, we truly are one people. I feel that deeply and Jesus challenges my responses to that connection all the time.

I'm excited by this stuff - we can do this. With God's help we can really see each other being renewed. I want to spur you on, like Paul did. Keep going, keep calling for the miracle work of God in your whole person, and in the ones around you, and let's go wider - in the collective heart and structures of our societies, into the damaged beauty of His creation, all of it. May the author and perfecter of all things be writing strongly in your soul.

12th November, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart: Chapter 3: The Heart in the System of Human Life):

The human heart, will or spirit is the executive centre of human life. The heart is where the decisions and choices are made for the whole person. This does not mean that the whole person actually does only what the heart directs, any more than a whole organisation actually does precisely what the Chief Executive Officer (CEO) directs. That would be ideal, perhaps (and again, perhaps not); but as any CEO knows, the system rarely goes as directed, and never perfectly so. Many factors are always at work in the decisions and actions that actually occur. The individual's life is often divided into incoherent fragments. Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control (Prov 25:28). In a world deeply infected with evil and 'stuff' that just happens, the usual case is that the individual does not consistently do what his or her own heart says is good and right. When successful, spiritual reformation unites the divided heart and life of the individual, and such people can then bring remarkable harmony into groups where they participate.

Yes, many factors are always at work in what we choose and what we do. I think increasingly, complexity, fragmentation and lack of unifying vision can make it difficult, yet still possible, for us to identify and stay focused on the narrow way. I'm not sure that what our heart says is good and right will give us the certainty of direction that we need. It may be a good start but isn't part of our problem these days that 'truth' and 'right' and 'good' are perceived by many to be such a moveable feast? 'If it's right for you', 'if it's true for you', 'if it feels good and hurts no-one'. The whole thing has become very 'iffy'. Many Christians too come under the seductive sway of this relativism and wander way off course. This has got to be where the written Word of God comes in, surely. Bringing the parts of a person's life together under the rescuing, healing love of Jesus and then providing the stabilising, inspirational and challenging compass of the Bible for us to weave around and hopefully steady on as we grow up.

I know in one of Dallas's previous books on the spiritual disciplines, the reading, meditation on and memorising of scripture is a crucial part of spiritual growth. I can see in my own life that when I am regularly eating the Word and in conversation with the Lord, everything is more steady, my thoughts tend to be far more creative and vibrant and I am just a whole lot more in tune with life in every way. Why would I let that slip? And yet I do. I know when I cut away all the excuses, it is, as the scriptures say, a basic lack of self control. Maybe that's what Dallas means by the system not always going as directed. Paul the apostle struggled with this too as he so accurately says in Romans 7:15-25: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Oh, yeah! Thank God for the rescue plan, thank God for the rescue, man!

The crux of the matter is this: what is the source of the inspiration and the means of reformation? If our life is primarily being fueled and directed by the presence, power and grace of the Holy Spirit of God, and our will, heart or spirit is working in a duet with Him, we are bound to see both an increasing harmony in our internal and external lives and an increasing consistency with the character and purposes of Christ because (I love this!) He who has begun a good work in us will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Amen.

10th November, 2004

Did I say 'next couple of days'? Oops - I meant next couple of weeks. See I'm doing exams and assignments at the moment and my 40-year-old brain is so full that if I try to read and write from Renovation of the Heart, I'm afraid the alignment of my God life, spirit, mind, soul and body may fully tilt and I may spin off into total na-na land. If the aforesaid state is reached, I will officially malfunction and the renovation may be much more complicated than it needs to be. So I ask you dear reader to be patient with your cyberfriend while she completes her academic(?) effort and returns with renewed vigour in a week or so.

1st November, 2004

Hey readers, if you're still there - I'm starting a new chapter. It's a good one but a bit difficult to write about. Bear with me, I'll figure out a way. Stay close to His heartbeat and I'll write properly in the next couple of days.

14th October, 2004

I know sometimes I tend to get a bit wordy in this diary but once I start thinking about things, the images start to flow and the words flow and it can get to be more like a novel than a comment. But I'm really hoping that if you read these thoughts of mine, they'll just be a springboard for your own.

It is so easy to treat the more 'spiritual' aspects of thought and living as some kind of disconnected and mostly irrelevant poetry. I find myself doing it sometimes when I'm reading the Bible, and I can read a whole section and enjoy it and shut the Book and then wake up and realise that I phased out somewhere along the way in the familiar rhythm of the words. That's OK, the writing and stories are beautifully written and enjoyable just as stories. But they're not just stories are they? They are breathing!

I don't ever want to get lulled into thinking the things of God are just poetry. He is a most wonderful poet - an artist of words, and events and creation and people and colours and seasons and ages - but above all - He lives.

He's not just a lifestyle or a belief system or a story on a page.

I'll get back to the book next time!

7th October, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart, Chapter 2: Spiritual Formation and the Church):

Everyone must be active in the process of their own salvation and transformation to Christlikeness. This is an inescapable fact. But the initiative in the process is always God's, and we would in fact be able to do nothing without His initiative. That initiative is not something we need to wait upon. The ball is in our court. God has invaded human history and Jesus Christ has died on our behalf, is risen, and is now in control of events on earth. The issue now concerns what we will do...

If through well-directed and unrelenting action we effectually receive the grace of God, we certainly will be changed toward inward Christlikeness. The transformation of the outer life, especially of our behaviour, will follow suit. No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit (Luke 6:43). But this means that goodness comes from union with God, not apart from him.

The transformation of the inner being is as much or more a gift of grace as is our justification before God. Of course neither one is wholly passive. To be forever lost you need only do nothing...

In fact we are most dependent on grace leading a holy life, not when we continue to sin and are repeatedly forgiven. The interpretation of grace as having only to do with guilt is utterly false to biblical teaching and renders spiritual life in Christ unintelligible.

The life of the Kingdom comes only by invitation from a gracious host. The table has been set, the food prepared - the door is wide open, light spills out and, to the hungry and even the self-satisfied, an invitation has been sent out.

The question hangs in the air, in every age, in every nation, in every life - are you going to the banquet? At some stage the open door will close, the light and life and music and wafting goodness of God's eternal abundance will be enclosed and outside, absolute darkness, absolute lack.

Are you going to the banquet? Decision is a very active process, and the decision is yours. The invitation and the way in are there, because of the grace (undeserved favour) of the Host. This is an invitation into warmth and wholeness and great joy, an unfolding feast of course upon course of loving kindness and wonder and richness of life, but the choice is active and the journey has to be deliberate.

There is nothing accidental about the decisions our Father has made in His plan to have us at His table. There is nothing accidental about the life, death and resurrection of Jesus as our doorway in. There is nothing accidental about the Holy Spirit's gracious pursuit of our salvation and our transformation into holy sons and daughters of God. There can be nothing passive or accidental about our acceptance of the invitation to follow His lead through to the Christlike life and its treasures. We choose and we receive from our choice. If we choose to decline the invitation from God, He will respect our choice. We will not enter His life and presence and, if God is love and life and peace and truth and grace, then in His absence, the air is very thin indeed. If we do enter His life and presence, then the very nature of God enfolds us and we are able in His ability to follow the path to His table. In every willing step we take, is the awesome reality of His strength, His love, His vision unfolding.

Choose to follow and He will lead you to His table.

4th October, 2004

I sense someone out there needs to hear this as much as I want to say it -
Jesus wins!

22nd September, 2004

I interrupt my reading momentarily to tell you a little story of my own - Potholes on the road to Renovation.

On the way to Humility, which I saw with distant eyes far away along a rough and corrugated road, I met an old friend of mine. She slipped alongside without my noticing and engaged me in conversation. So comforting and affirming and understanding was her voice that I did not realise we had turned aside together, along the road to Self. Of course she knew the way so well and I was also treading a path more familiar than the other I had stumbled along.

Before too long we were joined by others and what a comfortable group we were, wandering supportively along. There was me, of course, right in the centre, Self Pity to my right, Self Absorption to my left, Self Analysis leading the way and Wounded Pride following along sulkily in the background. The countryside was blandly familiar, offering no challenge, and my friendly saboteurs quickly, quietly led me far from the road I had chosen to follow. A mild fog of deception rested anonymously over the distant rough terrain of Humility and I soon forgot the sharp details of the journey I had originally begun.Lulled into self-righteousness, I entertained my old friends with tales of disappointment, misunderstanding and woe.

Yet, as we came ever closer to Self, I increasingly became aware that these friends of mine were closing in, casting sly looks at each other, the conversation hardening, no longer soft and mesmerising. The smooth surface of the road was rutted here, well travelled but marred with increasingly sharp stones and potholes.

There I saw the great throne at the centre of Self, rising up to dominate the landscape, was worn and leaning drunkenly, revealing its insecure foundations and rickety construction. Uncertain, I turned away, catching a brief flash of brilliance over on the far horizon. Surprisingly, it pierced me. Flooded with a sudden awareness, I felt Holy Spirit briskly slap me and instantly, I was woken from the stupour of my thoughts.

Rising up inside, I turned to my now silent companions and disgustedly dismissed them back to their darkness, to sit pathetically around their disused throne. Turning, embarrassed at my hypnotic detour, I listened as Holy Spirit detailed the way back to my original intention, warning me of familiar temptation, and future trial. As the fog cleared, again in the distance, I caught a flash of light and another throne, rising tall and bold, beyond Humility, held my gaze.

That is my destiny, there, at the foot of that throne, in the presence of that light, that life, that truth. So I keep walking.

14th September, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart):

(W)e can't avoid having vessels. And we must be careful with them, for that is part of what it is to be human and finite. Even Jesus had his 'vessel'. It was a Jewish one, and became the first vessel trap the earliest congregations of disciples faced...

We can identify the treasure without reference to any vessel, though the treasure will always have a vessel.

Vessels. The smallest human life, the local community church, the most complex of cultures - each is a vessel for Christ to live in and through.

The strength of the Kingdom and the fragility of the human life. These two create amazing potential and real vulnerability between them. Is there any more powerful demonstration of God's grace than that He would entrust the treasure of the Kingdom, that pearl of unimaginable price, into the hands of human vessels! Yet in the very process of our reaching out to take hold of the Kingdom of God, we become more than just vessels and are mysteriously, graciously transformed, if not fully matured, into some part of the treasure itself.

No wonder Paul speaks of us as aliens. In the fullest sense we are. Holding within our own fragile physical lives another life which is so far beyond the limitations set by our lifespan that we can only begin to imagine what it means. Jesus Christ knows the tension - has lived it - more than all of us. The treasure of God became also the vessel, and lived within our world with all its physical limitations. He moved within the vessel of Jewish culture and broke through, spilling out like a river, not able to be contained. The reality of the Kingdom life in Him was more than religious tradition and assumptions could hold. Surely that is a measure of true discipleship for us too?

We too will have a culture we are attached to, whether loosely or closely. Yet the Gospels call us, within that, to bear the treasure of a Kingdom which moves in different rhythms to our earthly one, to represent Christ in this time and to this people, faithful to the instructions and mandates He established.

I love to carry Him with me, but oh, how I need Him to carry me too. I love to see Him carried in others and watch Him carry them. I love to see the Kingdom come in fragile human lives and watch Him spilling out as a river from person to person, from age to age. Yet I have to admit that because I know my own vulnerability, I sometimes watch with breath held, asking God to help me trust Him as we carry our portion. And always in the background, away from my nervous hands, is the sure knowledge that the Lord who made the heavens and the earth and all those who fill it, will see His Kingdom come and complete what He has begun - to the praise of His glory and grace! Amen, so be it.

7th September, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart):

What characterises most of our congregations, whether big or small, is simple distraction. The failures of many kinds that show up within them and around them are not the fundamental problem of church life today. They are much more a result than a cause.

One of the most helpful statements I have read in recent years for understanding contemporary church life is by Leith Anderson. He notes: 'While the New Testament speaks often about churches, it is surprisingly silent about many matters that we associate with church structure and life. There is not mention of architecture, pulpits, lengths of typical sermons, rules for having a Sunday school. Little is said about style of music, order of worship, or times of church gatherings. There were no Bibles, denominations, camps, pastors' conferences, or board meeting minutes. Those who strive to be New Testament churches must seek to live its principles and absolutes, not reproduce the details'.

These details simply aren't given. Now you might ask yourself why the New Testament says nothing about all those matters to which the usual congregation devotes most of its thought and effort today. And the answer is, because those matters are not primary, and will take care of themselves with little attention whenever what is primary is appropriately cared for. Pay attention to the 'principles and absolutes' of the New Testament church and everything else will fall into place - in large part because 'everything else' really doesn't matter much one way or the other. If we fail to put the focus on those principles and absolutes, on the other hand, we will wander off into a state of distraction. And that is where most of our local congregations actually are. They wind up majoring on the minors and allowing the majors, from the New Testament point of view, to disappear...

Of course we do not think we are distracted. The things we are investing our efforts in seem absolutely primary. These are usually things that make up being a good and proper Christian of whatever sort - Protestant, Catholic, Anglican, Baptist. But people have actually mistaken the vessel for the treasure...

We are distracted. No doubt. The world and its demands and complexities are maddeningly absorbing. I sometimes feel as if we're hanging in a web that has stretched silently and invisibly across our flight path. You start out flying reasonably freely and straight. Then inexplicably somewhere along the way, you hit this complex sticky series of threads and the more you struggle to fly out again, the more tangled the process becomes.

We are distracted, and just pulling my gaze from the thousand decisions that have to be made each day, the needs that have to be met, the relationships that need love and maintenance and the bombardment of information floating past my eyes - is exhausting! No wonder we are becoming less consistent in church life. How sad it is when really, if we were truly able to step off and spend time with the Holy Spirit in spiritually alive community, we would probably be both reinvigorated and rested.

I think we have a problem - and maybe some of it stems from the distraction Dallas is writing about - but I don't think we can isolate it to the way we 'do' church. I reckon it's more about the way we 'do' life! In fact, frankly, I think a lot of us are really in deep 'do do's'. The pace at which we are living and 'doing' - the load of stuff we have to maintain - is exhausting our souls, sucking the energy and joy of life out of many, and the church is most certainly not immune. I wonder how much longer we can hold onto all that we try to carry? I believe we are fast approaching burn-out, the 'hard choice' zone where the Lord says "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you"; where we go from bloated with complex living and choice, to a leaner, Holy Spirit-directed experience, deliberately auditing our life through New Testament (Jesus) eyes.

The difficulty is, sustaining local church community in the highly fragmented and individualised world we live in, at least in 'westernised' culture, requires a great deal of maintenance. Even just creating a meeting place for groups of people and an environment for learning from the Word and expressing worship can be complex. Does it need to be? Well I don't think it does. But I'm conscious that is very simplistic. My husband has a saying: "In the end you'll be where you want to be". I know that's true. If I know I'm going to encounter God and be empowered by Him and those I'm in community with; if I know I can express my relationship with Him and serve Him in a church congregation; I want to be there. If I don't genuinely encounter Him and I come away having been 'entertained' in a religious form, see you later - I'd rather have some time with Him in the forest or by the waves. I'm not interested in 'pseudo life' - no time.

I wonder how many of us have seen our friends quietly let go of the rope and drift off in distraction. And, you can bet, the void left by an absence of body life will be filled elsewhere. I wonder whether others have felt the pull of just a bit of free time, peace and quiet, a walk on the beach, a sleep in - the list goes on. Yet in the simplicity of worship and prayer - where the Lord places no expectation on you but honest communion - there can truly be rest, can't there? When we're genuinely wanting relationship with other people in our spiritual community - to love and be loved, to see the marvelous diversity of God's family expressing itself around us - that's really precious, worth pressing in for. Isn't it?

25th August, 2004

You know, I'm sitting here in the relative comfort of my wardrobe (my computer nook) and writing about it being great to be part of a revolution - and I mean that. Yet the Holy Spirit gives me a nudge and reminds me that there are many places out there where being a revolutionary for Christ is literally a life and death choice.

I don't really know who reads this but if you are one who has chosen to follow Jesus in a hostile situation, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for my flippant words and my shallow knowledge of your struggles. Sorry that although you are my brother or sister, I don't lift you in prayer often enough, with the passion I need to. I'm so sorry that you and your family may suffer so much for that choice to follow Christ. And I pray Lord - bless them Jesus.

Remind me of these precious ones, my family in other lands; remind me to pray for them, for courage and protection, for food, medicine, safety, a people to worship and learn with, for the Word of God and peace deep in their hearts and power in their hands, for communion with you that gives them strength, faith, healing and freedom. Lord, breathe into them your life and glory, make your name famous through your saints as they stand for you.

May the kingdom of God be greatly increased through your love for Him, may you finish the journey you have begun, in faith, strength and joy - and receive a great reward at the journey's end in the arms of the One who's name you carry. And when I see you there I will honour you for your life.

24th August, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart):

The way to get as many people into heaven as you can is to get heaven into as many people as you can: that is, to follow the path of genuine spiritual transformation or full-throttle discipleship of Jesus Christ.

Dallas, I so totally agree but it's looking like it might take a lifetime from this angle! I hope the present imperfect/future perfect is still enough to encourage the journey.

21st August, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart, Chapter Two):

We need to be changed and Jesus is vital. About two thousand years ago Jesus gathered a little group of friends and trainees on the Galilean hillsides and sent them out to make apprentices from all ethnic groups. He didn't just send them out to teach some new ideas. His objective was eventually to bring all humanity under the direction of his wisdom, goodness and power, as part of God's eternal plan for the universe. In thus sending out his trainees he started a perpetual world revolution: one that is still in process and will continue until God's will is done on the earth as it is in heaven...

The revolution of Jesus is in the first place a revolution of the human heart. It did not and does not proceed by means of social institutions and laws, the outer forms of our existence. Rather, his is a revolution of character, which changes people from the inside through personal relationships with God in Christ and with others. It is a revolution that changes ideas, beliefs, feelings, habits of choice, bodily actions, as well as social relations. It penetrates to the depths of the soul. External social arrangements may be useful in this revolution, but they are not the end, nor are they a fundamental part of the means.

Sorry about the long silence people. It may happen sometimes, as life's like that, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum.

I like the idea of being part of a revolution! Actually, it's amazing to be part of one and also in the process of being revolutionised! It's perpetuating the pattern that Jesus himself initiated when He lived amongst the Galileans. He led people in personal revolution through deep friendship, example and by challenging their assumptions and institutionalised perceptions of life and God. He demonstrated an intimacy with His Father who is God and invited those who followed Him to share that love with Him. He loved people and cared deeply for truth and justice, scorning those who played games with status and wealth, words and religion. He was very, very real and passionately involved in the lives of those around him. He is my hero. It sounds a bit daggy to say that these days, but He is, and I'm proud to say it!

I hope I can get in the Jesus groove so deeply that we can lead many others to follow Him too. That from one day to the next, the world really is being revolutionised by Jesus people in all aspects of life.

You know what I'm sensing lately? There's a roar starting to build up in the body of Christ and I think we've got to the stage where the intake of breath is tangible. Many sleepy Western Christians have woken from a complacently apathetic slumber (there are many more yet to rise) and are beginning to move and speak. At this stage it's still relatively quiet, but the time is fast approaching when the sound of the people of God will be heard loud and clear in all arenas - social, political, environmental, educational, and so on. It will be a passionate, determined, truth-filled, powerful, loving and intercessory call to all people to come and meet with Jesus and make peace with him. It will be a call to the institutions of the nations to uphold justice and care for the needy. It will be an invitation of compassion to those who are hungry for life and spiritual wholeness to come and be fed and healed. Watch out for the sound and join in with the Lord as He forms us into something revolutionary again. Hold on while Jesus changes you from the inside out and sends you to do likewise.

13th August, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart, Chapter One):

The condition of lostness is not the same as the outcome to which it leads. We're not lost because we are going to wind up in the wrong place. We are going to wind up in the wrong place because we are lost. To be lost means to be out of place. Think of what it means when the keys to your house or car are lost. They are useless to you, no matter how much you need them...

Lostness is a real condition of the self. You either have it or not, just as you either have or do not have a physical disease that can kill you. If you have that condition of lostness, you may not know it. Indeed, it is likely you will not know it, since it is inherently a condition of self-blindness. You need treatment nevertheless, if you are not to be lost forever; and being informed of your condition and what to do about it can help you find relief. Should I say nothing to you merely because you might find it offensive? I must think more highly of you than that...

Have you ever been lost? I mean really lost, so that you look around with increasing agitation, mouth drying out and a growing panic. I haven't, except temporarily in the car. But I've seen kids who have in the big department stores. You see them wandering around looking at stuff, very relaxed at first. Then, later, you may see the same small person looking paralysed or perhaps panicking, head jerking from side-to-side, scanning for mum or you'll hear a snuffle, a sob, a wail (mummmmeeeeeeeeee!) and the PA announcement: "Customers, we have a lost child in the store".

Mostly it takes a while to discover you're lost. A series of realisations that what you expected isn't there. A litter of unmet assumptions that fall to the floor, leaving you disoriented and bewildered. A spinning compass with no north.

The discovery comes in different forms. I am lost because...I cannot find my way back...I do not know how to get to where I want to go...something or someone is not by my side or anywhere in sight...the surroundings I am now in are not what I expected...I have lost my sense of direction.

Actually, I have been lost. Lost in the sense that Dallas talks about anyway. Lost in doubt. Lost in direction. Lost in a fog of lies of my own making, lost in the sense of knowing there was more but not how to get there. I know what it's like to be lost. The ignorance of it - like the little child wandering display-by-display as they go further from their parent. When you realise your lostness, it's the loneliest of isolations, no matter what noise fills your world.

And when you're found? It's the sweetest connection. A deep soul sigh.

When my hand is firmly held by the One who knows the way; who is, in the most profound sense, The Way, I don't really need to know the directions any more. I may, no - I do, crane my neck sometimes to see what's ahead. But being found allows me to follow even when I need to lead. Mostly that feels very safe and I like that. I want to have a grand adventure, take risks, experience and experiment - all in the safety of being found.

5th August, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart, Chapter One):

Interestingly, for all our advances in scientific knowledge, science tells us virtually nothing about the inner life of the human being. The sciences can indicate some fascinating and important correlations between our inner life and the physical and social world running alongside it. But the subject matter of the sciences is the measurable, perceptible world: roughly, the world of the five senses. In its nature the physical is a totally different type of reality from the spiritual, which remains hidden in a way the physical world does not. Science misses the heart, because when a science tries to go beyond the measurable, it ceases to be science.

Paradoxically, the spiritual side of us, though it is not perceptible by the senses, and though we can never fully grasp it, is never entirely out of our mind. It always stands in the margin of our consciousness if not at the centre. It is what is celebrated (or degraded) in the area of humanities, and in most popular writing in magazines and the like. The emphasis is continually upon what people think and feel, on what they might do or not do and why, and on what kind of people they are. Human beings gossip about little else, and now much of what is called news is mostly gossip.

But that only emphasises how we are constantly aware of the spiritual side of life. We know immediately that it is what really matters. We pay more attention to it, in ourselves and others, than to almost anything else. The spiritual simply is our life, no matter what grand theories we may hold.

This irrepressible interest explains why, in recent decades and in many ways, the spiritual has repeatedly thrust itself to the forefront of our awareness. From the cultural and artistic revolts of the Sixties to the environmentalisms and countless 'spiritualities' of the Nineties, from pop-culture New Age to postmodernisms of the academy, there has been a swelling protest that the merely physical cannot sustain our life: 'Man does not live on bread alone'...

'Man does not live on bread alone. These are, of course, words from Jesus. And his way is truly the way of the heart or spirit. If we want to live fully, we must live with him at that interior level. And he gives this life as a gift. The spiritual renovation, the spirituality which comes from Jesus is nothing less than an invasion of natural human reality by a supernatural life from God. We can live by nourishing ourselves constantly on his presence, here and now, beyond his death and ours. But contrary to what many believe today, life in this full sense is not sustained simply by dabbling in the 'spiritual'. It is not an alternative lifestyle option, something to add on to an already busy schedule.'

You know, I'm fascinated by science. Not so much in the type of formula science we learned in chemistry and physics in high school, but the way things are formed, the way they work and the forces that affect them. I love to find out about natural things. Ever since I was a kid. I still love it. And although the wonder of their formation and workings thrills me, I am totally overawed by the beauty of the smallest little thing and the colors, patterns and cycles of design and purpose in the creation itself. Oops, did I say creation!? Yes, I'm a believer and what's more, I've met the One who did it.

I am grateful to 'science' for making the intricacies of the natural world available to me. I am grateful for the understanding that has led to advancement for us in many ways. I am grateful to God for creating it all in the first place, for gifting minds to inquire and investigate and question. I am grateful for the revelation He has released to us throughout human history (and I don't discount the huge contribution science has made to our lives). What I find ironic is that science seems to have become, in Western world particularly, a 'god', determined to render the One whose works they endeavour to define and explain and control a non-entity. Maybe not so much in the areas of quantum physics where more and more attention is being given to the 'design element' of space and force, but in many areas, the creation itself has evicted the Creator.

How's this for irony? When my daughter was first learning to read a couple of years ago, I bought her a little computer with words and sounds and spelling games. One of the games was 'word maker'. You had to combine letters to see if you could make a word. We typed in God to see what it said and this is it - 'Hmm, not a word, but a nice try', so I typed in something obscure - asp - to see what the response would be, and it said 'Great word, well done'. Now I ask you, what's that all about? Some atheist programmer perhaps? Hope they get to meet 'The Word' himself one day.

I'm sure there are many of us out there that know there is as much heart and art in the universe as there is science (unction and function - don't you just love words!) and though many may not yet have met the Person behind the universe, they respond to His art. For those of you who seek the Artist, His name is Yahweh, Father God. Read of Him in the Bible, meet Him through His son, Jesus Christ. He is well worth the knowing!

When I first met Jesus it was because I had a growing sense that 'Ann does not live by bread alone'. I went searching for God. Hunger drove me. Science didn't lead me to him, although I saw the signposts. Philosophy didn't lead me there, although I enjoyed the journey. God led me to himself through a man, my cousin Phillip, who saw me seeking, loved me and led me to another man, Jesus, who I found out was more than just 'another man' . God's still leading me to Himself every day 'cos that's what He wants and so do I. Now when I see something beautiful, hear something glorious, smell something wonderful, understand something powerful, or love someone deeply - I know who to thank. Now when I see something ugly, hear something depressing, smell something foul, understand something disturbing or struggle to love - I know who to talk to.

My physical lifespan is growing shorter day-by-day but my spiritual universe is expanding in so many directions, my heart is being challenged and growing, my understanding is broadening, my life is deepening and I am nourished. Mmmm, thank you Jesus!

4th August, 2004

And I quote (from Dallas Willard's Renovation of the Heart, Chapter One):

We live from our heart. The part of us that drives and organizes our life is not physical. You have a spirit within you and it has been formed. It has taken on a specific character. I have a spirit and it has been formed. The spirit within us takes on whatever character it has from the experiences we have lived through and the choices we have made. That is what it means for it to be 'formed'...

We find it comfortable to imagine that most of what we experience in life is imposed from outside. This saves us from having to take responsibility for the way things are in the world. But to a large degree what happens in the world derives from the collective choices that human beings have made. War and famine are not inevitable; they result from a long series of choices that people have made. Individual disasters, too, very largely follow upon human choices, our own or those of others'...

But the situations in which we find ourselves are rarely as important as our response to them. And this response comes from our spirit. A carefully cultivated heart can, assisted by the grace of God, transform the most painful of situations. It can make us less inclined to stand like helpless children saying, 'Why me?'"

I can honestly look back to earlier days: days of childhood and teen years, early twenties and so on, and see that much of what I considered personal 'truth' about my world and myself was actually very distorted. As 'the Truth' has begun to work His way into my life and psyche - my inner most being - many of my character absolutes have begun to shift and my motivational forces have subsided or just changed. My way is really turning into His way.

I no longer feel captive to my faults and weaknesses, they are not tyrants any more because I have such a deep sense of the presence of Jesus, who is far more knowing and capable than I am of identifying and tackling the giants in my soul and life. Do I still get disgusted by some of my more renegade impulses? Absolutely! Do I like myself? Yes I do. Can I see a future of creative, loving, wholesome life? Yep, you bet. Why? Because although I have many regrets about who I have been, what and who I have hurt or walked over, I know the truth. It was, or rather should I say He was, there with me back then, He is here with me now and He is going to be with me at that end too... I do believe that when He wiped my slate clean, He made me new. He transfused my spirit, He spun me around, gave me a new map and pointed me His way. I believe in miracles because, thanks to Jesus, I am one! And now I set out each day armed with the wonder and huge responsibility of choosing life not death, of seeking to be a 'life giver' as the Lord has been for me.

I love this world passionately and yet I hate it too. It woos me with its beauty and crushes me with its ugliness. And yet and yet. It's not time for me to go. So, I want to make choices that honour the life in people and the world at the simplest level day-to-day with those around me but also socially, environmentally, politically and in the overarching, all-encompassing realm of the kingdom of God. The reality may be - no, will be - that I stuff up regularly. But you see, I have a friend who believes I can do it too.

28th July, 2004

Renovation of the heart sounds so gentle and I guess for some of us the process may be gentle. When I look back to the days of my salvation, the beginnings of my being saved, it was like the opening of a book. I looked at the contents and decided 'I want that'. To me, the idea of being able to get to know the Creator of all things and this person called Jesus was immensely exciting. And, beyond that, to be able to give Him the things that entangled me, the lies and falseness, the insecurities and stuff-ups, the vague fears and anticipations of my future, and perhaps, if He really cared, the intensity of my imaginings of what life might be if He stayed with me.

It got a bit more violent from then on. I lurched from one season to the next, colliding with His will and my soul fairly regularly. It's probably not like that for you but I guess I must be a slow learner!

Twenty years on, I look back through the chapters thus far and can honestly say 'bumpy ride but worth every rise and fall'. Looking forward to the next bit, trusting this mysterious Creator and Saviour that I have come to know as my dearest, most patient, trusted friend. And you know what? He really is renovating my heart...or should that be 'dredging my guts'! Hmmm.

Come to think of it, my husband's a carpenter and he's 'renovating' a house right now. From what I recall, it starts with a plan, then involves demolition (sledge hammers and jemmy bars). Once the dust clears, there's careful reconstruction based on the new plans. First the foundations, then the walls, then the internal structure, then the bits you see and finally the decorating. I know nails are involved, and levels and hammers and power saws and waves of different tradesmen who specialise in different areas. Maybe it doesn't get gentle 'til towards the end? But maybe by that stage, God's got you helping someone else to renovate. I'm glad He knows what's happening.

26th July, 2004
Well, here I am again, reading another book and wondering about life, the universe, me, my 'neighbour' and of course Himself. This time it's Dallas Willard's book Renovation of the Heart, and it could take a while. So if you'd like to, come with me as I dip in and out of it for a few weeks and we'll see what happens.

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